Saturday, while I was visiting Chicago with my boyfriend, John, we went to the Printer's Row Book Fair and while there, to the annual Studs Terkel talk at the Harold Washington Library. When I settled in and heard all the snobby haughty-totty city adults talking about him as if they knew them, I felt a little anger towards them. They just sounded like they wanted to be that person so much, trying way too hard. While Studs Terkel was talking, there was a woman sitting next to me taking notes. Taking notes. I can't imagine why she would be doing such a thing; she looked to be in her late 40s/early 50s, a little too old to be doing notes for her oh-so-popular blog, and she was smiling the entire time, laughing loudly when no one else was because it wasn't funny, and nodding at the end of almost every sentence, enjoying it too much to be on an assignment from a newspaper or something. There were times when Terkel was searching for words he couldn't remember or whip up quickly (can't blame him) and this woman would respond as if (1) he could hear her and (2) as if he was talking just to her. She would giggle at the slightest humor from anyone and clapped with the most fervor of anyone in the audience. The only thing I could think about her was that she was just really, really trying to be that person, that stereotype.

However, who am I to talk? I do that all the time; not consciously of course, but I do it nonetheless, especially when I'm talking to someone I don't know yet. That way, they have no other notion of me being anyone but that person, so I can pretend and play this role all I want with them, as long as I keep it going. I don't know if it's based within immaturity or want for acceptance into that "group" or out of admiration for those people, but most everyone does it at some point until they are what they wanted ever-so-much to be. It happens in every category of persona, not just this one. It just happens to be incredibly apparent in this one.

What fuels it? What motivates someone to want to emulate someone else? What makes someone so upset with their own features enough to make them try to convince themselves that they are the prime example of whatever group they want to be in and that all of their features are perfect and the best? There's never any middle ground with that; people either adore themselves or despise themselves, when they actually start thinking about it. And some people have the will to ignore all of these thoughts and just be happy with whatever they are. What gives them that will? Is there a class on this? Everyone always says you have to have confidence, but there's a thin line between too much and just enough.

Finding the answer to these questions is probably one of the prime goals of my entire lifetime because they are so elusive. Not one person has been able to find the answer to this and I don't think it's in personality traits - it's a biological matter (as everything is with me, and I'm probably wrong about most of it). Hopefully I'll find out someday.